Feeling Connection

At some indeterminate point in the last few years, I began to feel emotions much more strongly than I used to. Most of the time, they’re normal. But more and more, they rise like a tide, or hit me like a wave. (WHACK! Broadsides me.)

The really amazing ones are about people. An urge to connect with someone—to get to know them better, to find out what makes them who they are. A realization or an epiphany, like suddenly understanding something that hadn’t occurred to me before. Or last night, in the car, when I had this flash of insight: Em and I are both doing what means something to us. We’re doing what feels powerful and right. I thought about that from the perspective of my parents, and I thought about how many people never do that thing, in their whole lives… and I felt an overwhelming pride, that I’m part of this family, that I’m doing what I do, that I have a sister like her, and that we have parents that—for all our collective domestic flaws—raised us to be the kind of people we are. Whatever that actually means.

And that we’re only going to grow from here.

Music is a powerful emotional trigger for lots of people, but it’s gotten much bigger for me. Old music, new music. Em’s work is becoming a large part of the ongoing soundtrack of my aspirations to world domination, slowly but surely. And usually the music that moves me is about people. Connections, plans, urges, motivations. There are so many subtle pieces that fit together in complex ways, and I often feel like I can hear all of them. They all have an effect on me.

So why is this happening? There’s obviously a difference from even just a year ago. Maybe I’m growing up. It could have a lot to do with food: I’ve certainly been eating progressively better over the last several years, and I’m more solidly whole-fresh-produce now than ever. (I’ve read enough about food changing one’s perception of the universe that I think that’s a pretty good bet, right there.) I’ve also been making incredible in-roads in terms of learning about and understanding myself and other people. I’m doing things, now, that have great purpose for me, that make me feel something. And let’s not forget that I’ve been off birth control for at least a year and a half. (Hormones, anyone?) There are lots of explanations—and maybe all of them have a part in it.

Whatever the reason, it’s increasing steadily. Maybe I will be an emotional experience superhero by this time next year. The thing that bothers me, though, is that I’m not sure what to do with it. It’s fascinating (sometimes exhilarating) to experience, but other than leveraging it to motivate me to bigger and bigger pursuits (which I do), I almost feel like it’s not useable. Is that not enough? Is there something else?

There’s this part, too: I am wanting more and more connection, and I am less and less patient with my inability to communicate what I’m feeling. How do you tell someone you’re that proud of them? How do you tell someone you value them that much? Words fail me.

Maybe I just need new words…?

Tagged as: connection, emotion, experience, meaning, purpose