Somehow Doubtless

I guess this might sound crazy.

Marty and I are still scrambling to figure out how to pay December’s bills once it arrives. We don’t have anything set in stone yet—we don’t have any kind of safety net. Two huge projects are pretty much over, pending announcement, and I have more hanging on. And one or two of them are massively important, and will continue to require my full attention for… awhile. Some lengthy period of time. And there are going to be more.

I’ve been working… eighteen hour days. Yes. I’ve been working eighteen hour days. I get up at 5am and then I get to bed around 8:30 or 9. I work pretty much the whole day, though I take breaks for food (sometimes) and occasionally we put in a movie (though I never get very far into it before I’m back at my computer checking on something).

But I don’t think I’ve ever felt happier.

I just feel… Fulfilled. Valid. Real. Vital. Satisfied, and at the same time, still hungry. Not particularly stressed, not worn out—although there were certainly moments in the last three and a half weeks when I was pushing it. Mostly, I just feel good.

I’ve been practicing Shiva Nata every day, but not for quite as long as I’d like. My practice sessions have been getting longer, though, and that makes me happy (and anxious to find out what it will be like when I can do even more). Marty’s been doing push ups. Lots of push ups. We’ve been eating almost all fruit & vegetables because we found out that, even organic, they’re cheaper than what we used to have on our grocery bill. Way cheaper. We’ve had a learning curve for keeping produce in the fridge and making it last long enough to eat (instead of be forgotten about, and then thrown away). But it’s a neat learning curve.

We go out to eat once in a blue moon. We’re functional hermits, and we haven’t seen most of our friends in weeks (at least). We’re working harder than we’ve ever worked in our lives. It’s not that we don’t love our friends and want to spend time with them. It’s just that this is important, and feels… significant. In a way I can’t describe. This is what we are supposed to be doing, right now.

I know it sounds like I’m a good candidate for the nuthouse, but this is the best my life has felt so far. And it feels like it’s going to get better.

Today Marty and I talked about money, and how it’s scary to be pushing this thing when a “sane” person would have given up two weeks ago. I said, Anyone else would have stopped trying already. But if we’re brave and keep going, even when it’s scary, we’ll make it. Just because people don’t try doesn’t mean the prize isn’t there. It just means fewer people get to it.

And somehow I have no doubt in my mind that we’ll get there. I don’t know when I became this person. I don’t know when I became clear about the future of me. I don’t know when I started having this much faith in myself, and in those around me, and in the universe that turns on my axis.

I don’t know when it happened, but my god, it feels great.