At the same time…

You have a personal responsibility—to yourself, as a human being—to be a positive customer. I do, too. Especially considering the state of business in this day and age, you are going to encounter businesses that treat you unfairly, or make glaring mistakes, or leave you feeling mistreated, feeling that your money was ill-spent. It’s going to happen. Make peace with it NOW.

Recognizing that you’ve had a bad experience does not give you leave to be difficult, or hateful, or… well, a whiny bitch. (I’m allowed to curse. I’ve been that whiny bitch.) It doesn’t give you the right to trample someone’s time—not the salesperson, not the customer service representative, and no, not even the CEO.

You do have the right, as a paying customer, to voice your concerns and tell the company about your experience. But if you don’t approach it constructively, everyone loses. And ruining someone’s day because you’re grouchy doesn’t solve the problem.

I am speaking to you as the consumer: You are in an extremely unique position to see everything a company is doing wrong. You must use your powers for good. Help them—don’t screw with them. There’s a very good chance that it’s all a mistake, and they didn’t even realize there was a problem. They can learn from their interaction with you. Don’t do something that inclines them to dismiss it: “Just another obnoxious customer we’d rather not have anyway!”

And if it isn’t just a mistake, if they honestly are lazy or neglectful or morally deficient… wouldn’t you rather be the force that encourages positive change? You know that a negative confrontation doesn’t beget change as often as a positive one. (I know you know, deep down in your soul, even if you’re inclined towards the former.) Don’t seize the accidental opportunity to be a prick. Be a good influence. Spread faith and love everywhere you go.

Unicorns. Rainbows. Fluffy bunnies.

I’m freaking serious!

Be nice, folks.

Your customers care whether you get it right.

They may not think they do. They may not think about it consciously at all! But when you get it wrong, they notice. And they know, instantaneously, whether their money was well-spent.

It’s that moment when you can keep them or drive them away. A well-handled customer service situation can mean the difference between parting on negative terms—where the customer leaves with a bad taste in his mouth, or an unpleasant feeling (poo)—and parting on positive terms, which can rejuvenate even a previously stale or uncomfortable business relationship. Please be very aware of the words I’m using. Your customer is directly associating these feelings with you and your company.

Do you want to be the bad taste, the unpleasant feeling?

Or do you want to be the sense of relief, safety, and good will (that is—the delicious gooey persimmons)?

You get to pick.

But you have to pay attention.

Read and learn:

This week I have called upwards of three billion* paper companies, looking for bulk pre-folded white greeting card paper with matching (and color alternate) envelopes.

For the first two billion nine hundred and ninety-nine million nine hundred and ninety-nine thousand nine hundred and ninety-nine*, every single person I talked to treated me like I was wasting their time. My perplexing phone conversations ranged from mildly distracted to downright annoyed and unhelpful. Until I got to the Paper Place.

The Paper Place, in brilliant contrast, was chirpingly warm and friendly and so very helpful that even when we realized they didn’t have what I needed, they happily referred me to someone who might. While other companies seemed intent on being stingy with assistance until they had an order from me (and never got one, and left me bewildered), the Paper Place just helped me. And then I twittered their awesome.

And now I’m blogging it.

Perhaps speaking with the nice girl who answered the phone at the Paper Place altered the emotional density of the universe (or maybe I just got lucky), but the company they referred me to—Xpedx—also answered their phone in a reasonable, friendly fashion. And not only did their phone answerer (Randy) listen patiently to my question, but he made useful suggestions and didn’t seem rushed or vexed. He was just a nice guy, helping out a customer.

For me none of this has anything to do with the fact that Xpedx and Randy, finally, actually had the product I was looking for. And it has everything to do with how mindful you are when you pick up the phone, how readily you remember that you’re talking to a real person on the other end who will remember you and create an impression of your business and its professional atmosphere.

Both the Paper Place and Randy’s branch of Xpedx are located in Austin. I don’t have a pressing need for the kinds of products stocked at the Paper Place, but I felt inclined to pimp them out anyway. After all those grumpy phone calls, they were both a huge bright spot in my week! And you can bet that if I need bulk or piecemeal paper in the next, oh, ever, I’m going straight to one of these stores.

Note: Marty suggested that my post title means I will be going to a funny hell for funny people. I must insist that my rhymes are produced only in good faith (and only when I can’t come up with alliteration).

* miniscule exaggeration.

[Edit: An incredibly insightful and related post from Seth’s blog.]