Megan’s Self-Learnification Extravaganza shall commence shortly. Please take off your seat belts and wander around the cabin, adjusting seat backs at random. It’s going to be a bracing flight!

(There’s more information in notes on the photo in Flickr. Click safely!)

Overviews are too often uninteresting, colorless glossings-over—at least when I write them. It’s a shame, because the only times I feel driven to write an overview are the times I’ve experienced something really worth sharing (and been too long in actually sharing it). But if I’ve experienced something really worth sharing… doesn’t it deserve better than an overview?

My urge to talk about New York has been like that. It made an impression on me. Hell, any one piece of that trip would have made an impression on me, but altogether it was a flood of them. I can’t put that across in an overview. And if I were to write an overview… man, it’d be boring. Worst post of the year. (Worse still, for mistreating what could otherwise be an amazing story. Those freaking buildings!)

I don’t want to give you factoids. I don’t want to outline my itinerary. I want to write something that helps you feel what I felt. Even if your only viable involvement is my retelling, I want you to have an emotional investment that gives you a real experience, not just useful information, but something that resonates. Something that stays with you.

I guess I can’t promise to have that kind of skill, but I’ll sure as hell try.

I want you to understand the way Austin’s downtown city lights take my breath away, so that you can try to grasp why New York’s sheer glitter and spread stopped my heart. Austin is comfy and just-right, and New York is the great growling wilderness. The lights were everywhere. The city grows out, but it also grows up... and up, and up, and up!

I don’t want to impart the whole thing in one mediocre swath. If I have to write the whole experience in tiny vignettes over the course of the next three months, well, fine. I hope that won’t drive you nuts. Because I just can’t stand to do it any other way.

You get it, don’t you?

If you can’t hear the crazed gleeful gurgling, you’re just going to have to imagine it.

Last week I ordered an insane number of books. (People who sent me Amazon gift certificates for Christmas: YOU WIN. People who are noodling over what to send me: That would be your subtle hint…) I’m long overdue for some gorgeous hardcore reading, and I have not a few fantastic reasons to ramp up my educational focus. Also? Desperate informational hunger. Rawr.

Most of them shipped yesterday, and many are supposed to arrive today. Every time I look at the receipts in my inbox I just die of excitement and suspense. I clearly have no patience when it comes to reading material. Forget that I have plenty to read here already. I crave my new books with the heat of a thousand suns. I’m already on the cusp of my reading binge (I recently finished Stardance and Extras and Starseed, and I’m working on Snow Crash and See You at the Top and Kevin Kelly’s New Rules) but the more I have in the pile, the faster I’ll read them. Or maybe I’m just a sucker for a good book. Or ten.

My favorite reason to read at the moment: A slew of clever Sethheads are working on an Alternative Alternative MBA—whatever the name turns out to be—and I’m expecting it to be a gloriously wild ride. Here’s a list of the books we’re speculating on. If you originally applied for Seth’s !MBA (or were even just thinking about it) you can and should come join us. No reason like the present to get motivated and productive and supremely self-educated, I say!

Now to find some way to distract myself until I hear the UPS truck…

Ironically, these days I seem to be all about obligation.

Don’t get me wrong: I’m totally anti-obligation when it comes to the little unnecessary things we put on ourselves, trap ourselves into, or let rule our lives. I have to, I need to, I’d better. It’s been hard for me to balance that dissatisfaction with my very urgent, very powerful visceral certainty that there are some things we are in fact, obligated to do. That we must do. Things that change the world. Biological imperatives, you might call them.

I think it might be that I realized what obligation is for. It’s not for guilting you into doing somebody’s homework. It’s for identifying truly amazing opportunities for growth and happiness… and SEIZING them. Making your place in the world worth the carbon, oxygen and nutrients that built you. Moving forward.

And all of that is just my prelude to saying this: If you applied for Seth’s Alternative MBA and won’t be going to New York in January, you have an obligation to do something just as incredible. (I sure as hell do.)

Part of me is doing this familiar, boring little dance. Now that I’m home, it wants me to settle back into the status quo, do all the normal things, whine, fear, routine. Go back to old habits, pick up my old life. But that thing that it wants is stale. Broken. Easy, but stagnant. It’s not what I need—not what will help me grow.

If you hear me saying it to you, chances are I’m saying it to myself, too. Do NOT let your life “go back to normal”. Do NOT relinquish the mad drive that got you this far. You can stay in the brilliant space you’ve been occupying for the last few weeks—you don’t need the !MBA to do it. You don’t even need Seth to do it. (PROMISE.)

Come on, folks. Let’s get some shit done.

I’m done with my planes for the day, and the word is in: I’m free for brilliant things in the next six months! (In unambiguous terms, no, I didn’t get chosen for the !MBA. And that’s completely okay.)

We made a huge effort (and it did not go unnoticed). I am so, so grateful to all of you. I had no idea we would get as far as we did, and I’m proud of myself too. I was a real warrior the last few weeks, I don’t mind saying! And I’m really touched that there was such an outpouring of enthusiasm about the possibility of me going—so much that I actually DID the whole fund raising thing, mixed feelings or no. It’s hard to ignore that many vehement emails. When I look back and consider that, it is a teeny bit astonishing and mind-bendingly awesome.

If you offered me your support—pledges, donations, anything—you’ll be hearing from me pretty soon. We have some things to iron out! After that, it’s time to start thinking about what happens next, and to top this it’s going to need to be pretty damn awesome. (I’m not worried.)

Thank you, guys. You propelled me through an incredibly intense period of self-discovery, and I won’t forget it.

[Update: Brendan Mitchell said something that made me realize… my title would be a great intentional pun if I had gotten in! My brain sure is doing funny loop-the-loops—sorry if that confused anyone. I didn’t even notice it before. What a riot!]

I have had the most insanely amazing day, I can’t even process it properly—at least until I get a nap, or some food. New York is amazing, the people here are amazing, people on the street will smile back if you smile first, just TRY it!

I am quite behind on the blogging I meant to do, so I’ll put this out there: If there’s something you were looking forward to hearing me yammer about, poke me about it and I’ll make sure it gets up sometime soon.

I can’t tell you much about the !MBA meet at Seth’s office… but I’ll tell you this. That was more awesome people than I’ve seen stuffed into one room in… a really long time. Possibly ever. (I’m thinking. I’ll let you know if I come up with anything that comes close.)

I can also tell you that I have a very limited amount of time to come up with the remaining pre-paid work that would allow me to go. And that my brain is so fried after today that I’m having trouble figuring out how to move forward, tight deadlines and all. So I’m going to list what I know, and you can tell me what you think.

* I am in fact happy to accept work in smaller chunks. I’m even happy to accept pledges of monthly installments (especially if I can do work for you when I get back in August), so let me know what you WANT to do and we’ll find a way to make it work. (I hit $8000 in the last few hours—that’s more than a third of what I need!) This may not have been clear from my original copy, for which I’m saying Der! and redrafting.

• I’m pretty sure I need a mailing list. Email me if you want to be on it—I’ll use it for quick updates on my situation and last-minute requests for advice or assistance. (I still love you a LOT even if you don’t want to be on this list.)
• Advice for Megans: I may send out a few emails to help me clear my head. If you feel like helping me clear my head, feel free to email me first. ;}

Growing is uncomfortable. I am uncomfortable! But how could I possibly trade this experience? Uncle Henry’s Empire State Building, the amazing cityscape view from my aunt’s apartment, half-second connections with happy people on sidewalks, friendly construction workers, brilliant vegan restaurants, that great crowd of sharp minds this morning, and then I walked out of Grand Central Station and it was snowing, all those buildings and the sky and the people and the vibration of this crazy fantastic place, what a thing someone built by coming here and deciding it should be something! What a great brilliant beast this city is.

Holy. Cow. Guys.

Time to regroup, and get my brain back. Here goes…

I’ve been thinking a lot about this.

I don’t like “fund raising”. I don’t like asking for something without giving something—or more—in return. (As you might have gathered.) I don’t like the obnoxious overtones it often takes on—even when obnoxious overtones are being specifically avoided!) and I don’t like what it does to people. It sometimes disconnects them, gives them guilt, and it’s hard to steer clear of those things even with the best of intentions. Maybe someday I’ll have perfected the formula, but that day is a long time coming.

The positive side of it is the part that trips me up. (It’s easy to stop doing something with no upside.) I’m pretty thoroughly certain that I can do great things for great people, if I can just find the people who want the opportunity. Second-guessing the urge to fund raise—and no, I haven’t thought of a better term for it, but please feel free to suggest—means not only closing a door for me, but closing windows for potentially dozens of other people. People who could use those windows.

It’s just that I’m not willing to go too far to find those people. I’m not willing to engage in tactics that would alienate half my audience and guilt the rest into putting a dollar in the pot. It’s just not worth the ugh feeling, all around.

This may mean that I’ll have to create another opportunity elsewhere and make this my big trip to New York, but I won’t budge on it. It’s too important. So the question is… what do I need to do to go as far as I can, responsibly, consciously? And maybe succeed?

That’s a damn good question.

Most of you know already that I got my application in, and was invited to the open office session + interview in New York on December 16th. I thence purchased a last-minute plane ticket (for what is probably an absurdly reasonable price) and I am at this very moment sitting in the Austin airport.

G’ness!

The part of my brain that identifies “normal” situations, feelings, and experiences… has shut down. If it was awake, it would be shrieking about how I’m supposed to be home watching TV or making myself a smoothie. I don’t think it can handle me hopping off to New York on (quite a bit) less than two week’s notice, so I’m going to let it sleep. (I’m probably better off, come to think of it…)

My intent was to do a lot more blogging through the end of my application process—but as you might guess, I found myself seriously crunched for time. I’m not going to stop here, and maybe I can be of use in other ways as I go. Tiara was poking me for more fund raising information so I think I’ll yammer about that while I push to raise !MBA attendee funds. I haz a plan. ;}

For the moment, though, I’m waiting to board to Houston and trying to make sure I haven’t forgotten anything important. If you’re waiting for an email from me, you are awesomely patient and I adore you. I have a huge lot of messages in my mailbox, so I’ll be making time this week to plow through them and make them manageable. (If you need to send me a reminder, I certainly won’t be offended!)

And finally, if you fell off your chair when you found out that I got an interview, and you want to pre-book my time—which will be necessary if I’m going to say “yes” when Seth asks me to join them in January—go on and read all the details right here. ;}

I’ll see y’all when I land. Here we go!

My application is just about finished (it’s here, if anyone would like to go through it and help me look for typos while I continue finishing up—ha!), and I’m moving fast! Here’s a run-down of all the stuff I’ve gone through, in case it comes in handy:

• I used highlighters to turn a print-out of Seth’s !MBA lens into a checklist. I took notes on the conference call (linked near the bottom of the lens) and I’m using that as a checklist, too. I’m not going to turn this thing in until every one of my boxes is checked off!
• I’ve been collecting references like mad. I have a feeling that putting them in the comments on this page was a really great idea, because I can keep them on my site for future endeavors—or look at them when I’m feeling down. (Note to self: Make Happy File for stowing all the nice things people say for cheerin’ up on lame days. GREAT idea.)
• Don’t get discouraged if a plan of action doesn’t work out! I’m seeing a lot of great ideas and a lot of motivated people sort of tapering off, and that’s okay, but remember, YOU have to decide whether to push it forward and make it happen or not. Don’t depend on someone else to do it if you believe it needs to be done! (And don’t take no for an answer if you’re sure in your heart that it’s right.)
• Things have been quiet for the last few days. Don’t let that slow you down—things are not quiet because of you. (I’ve been telling myself this over the last 48 hours.) Don’t second-guess yourself. Ask trusted confidantes for advice and stick to your guns. We can do this!
• I’ve had a lot of trouble actually sitting down to write my application. There’s way more riding on this than the !MBA for me—my ability to see my own awesomeness, to talk about myself without getting embarrassed, to feel proud of my accomplishments instead of afraid that they’re not like everyone else’s. I know I’m not the only one who experiences those feelings. THEY DON’T MATTER. Only what you DO matters, only what you MAKE HAPPEN. Don’t let them stop you. They’re not worth it. You are the one who’s worth it!

So now that I’ve shared all my internal affirmations… ;}

Very soon I’m going to make a few (or more than a few?) posts about my fund raising efforts, what I did, how I did it and what happens next. But first—I’m going to finish this application!