Comments on: Conflict –> Communication (1) http://worldmegan.net/2007/05/conflict-communication-1/ (worldmegan) Wed, 17 Mar 2010 06:08:16 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.2 hourly 1 By: Megan http://worldmegan.net/2007/05/conflict-communication-1/comment-page-1/#comment-298 Megan Wed, 26 Dec 2007 04:03:19 +0000 http://worldmegan.net/index.php/2007/05/conflict-communication-1/#comment-298 Something I have started thinking about since we covered this particular issue was how exactly these people might feel -- if I was a person trying to control the conversation and prove that I am the best, why would I be doing it, and what would I be feeling that made me want to? And the only thing I can come up with (though I'm sure there are a myriad of reasons) is that maybe I would be feeling that I want attention, or I want someone to care about me, or I want to be listened to, to feel like someone is hearing me. And of course trying to control the conversation and one-up the other participants is the worst way to do this, because everyone uses the same tactics and it just gets obnoxious. So the first thing I think of, when I imagine dealing with this sort of situation, is that maybe I could <i>give them the attention they are seeking</i>. Maybe they will see that I am giving that attention, or care, or "hearing" willingly, and not feel so desperate to <i>make</i> me hear them. Maybe over a little bit of time they will start to see that I am perfectly happy to hear them, and they will relax a bit, and maybe even spend some time hearing me in return! Short of that, I would probably just try to lead by example -- to make sure not to one-up them and just make the situation worse. Like you, my initial urge is sarcasm, but ha ha, that doesn't ever seem to work. :-D Thank you for this awesome comment. The Usual Error material has been really helpful to me, and I don't know what else is out there, but if you find something good and would like to let me know I would love to hear about it. I hope you find the information you're looking for! Something I have started thinking about since we covered this particular issue was how exactly these people might feel—if I was a person trying to control the conversation and prove that I am the best, why would I be doing it, and what would I be feeling that made me want to? And the only thing I can come up with (though I’m sure there are a myriad of reasons) is that maybe I would be feeling that I want attention, or I want someone to care about me, or I want to be listened to, to feel like someone is hearing me. And of course trying to control the conversation and one-up the other participants is the worst way to do this, because everyone uses the same tactics and it just gets obnoxious.

So the first thing I think of, when I imagine dealing with this sort of situation, is that maybe I could give them the attention they are seeking. Maybe they will see that I am giving that attention, or care, or “hearing” willingly, and not feel so desperate to make me hear them. Maybe over a little bit of time they will start to see that I am perfectly happy to hear them, and they will relax a bit, and maybe even spend some time hearing me in return!

Short of that, I would probably just try to lead by example—to make sure not to one-up them and just make the situation worse. Like you, my initial urge is sarcasm, but ha ha, that doesn’t ever seem to work. :-D

Thank you for this awesome comment. The Usual Error material has been really helpful to me, and I don’t know what else is out there, but if you find something good and would like to let me know I would love to hear about it. I hope you find the information you’re looking for!

]]> By: Stefan http://worldmegan.net/2007/05/conflict-communication-1/comment-page-1/#comment-297 Stefan Wed, 26 Dec 2007 00:18:22 +0000 http://worldmegan.net/index.php/2007/05/conflict-communication-1/#comment-297 Thanks for the blog. I am trying to understand why so may relatives and their friends feel they have to have the upper hand in conversation: they are like loaded guns ready to outdo you with greater achievements, travel itineraries, and will quickly switch back to their story and ignore yours, so there is no listening going on, just a cavalcade of things trotted out to impress, mixed with subtle put downs and questions like "where do you live". Their intent seems to be to get control of the conversation quickly as quickly as they can. Leaves a residue of anger afterwards every time. There must be some tactics I an use. Am even thinking of being much more direct: "So this is is a COMPETITION, right, and I thought we were trying to communicate, right..." The problem is that it is always dressed up and disguised as friendly conversation. But what makes it obvious these people have a trained intent to get the upper hand is this. Someone I know plays tennis with clubs from different suburbs around our city: the players from the affluent suburbs always carry on like this, but the players from the less pretentious suburbs never do. The irony is I am as wealthy as most of them. Thanks for the blog.

I am trying to understand why so may relatives and their friends feel they have to have the upper hand in conversation: they are like loaded guns ready to outdo you with greater achievements, travel itineraries, and will quickly switch back to their story and ignore yours, so there is no listening going on, just a cavalcade of things trotted out to impress, mixed with subtle put downs and questions like “where do you live”.

Their intent seems to be to get control of the conversation quickly as quickly as they can. Leaves a residue of anger afterwards every time. There must be some tactics I an use. Am even thinking of being much more direct: “So this is is a COMPETITION, right, and I thought we were trying to communicate, right…” The problem is that it is always dressed up and disguised as friendly conversation.

But what makes it obvious these people have a trained intent to get the upper hand is this. Someone I know plays tennis with clubs from different suburbs around our city: the players from the affluent suburbs always carry on like this, but the players from the less pretentious suburbs never do.

The irony is I am as wealthy as most of them.

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