I’m done with my planes for the day, and the word is in: I’m free for brilliant things in the next six months! (In unambiguous terms, no, I didn’t get chosen for the !MBA. And that’s completely okay.)

We made a huge effort (and it did not go unnoticed). I am so, so grateful to all of you. I had no idea we would get as far as we did, and I’m proud of myself too. I was a real warrior the last few weeks, I don’t mind saying! And I’m really touched that there was such an outpouring of enthusiasm about the possibility of me going—so much that I actually DID the whole fund raising thing, mixed feelings or no. It’s hard to ignore that many vehement emails. When I look back and consider that, it is a teeny bit astonishing and mind-bendingly awesome.

If you offered me your support—pledges, donations, anything—you’ll be hearing from me pretty soon. We have some things to iron out! After that, it’s time to start thinking about what happens next, and to top this it’s going to need to be pretty damn awesome. (I’m not worried.)

Thank you, guys. You propelled me through an incredibly intense period of self-discovery, and I won’t forget it.

[Update: Brendan Mitchell said something that made me realize… my title would be a great intentional pun if I had gotten in! My brain sure is doing funny loop-the-loops—sorry if that confused anyone. I didn’t even notice it before. What a riot!]

I have had the most insanely amazing day, I can’t even process it properly—at least until I get a nap, or some food. New York is amazing, the people here are amazing, people on the street will smile back if you smile first, just TRY it!

I am quite behind on the blogging I meant to do, so I’ll put this out there: If there’s something you were looking forward to hearing me yammer about, poke me about it and I’ll make sure it gets up sometime soon.

I can’t tell you much about the !MBA meet at Seth’s office… but I’ll tell you this. That was more awesome people than I’ve seen stuffed into one room in… a really long time. Possibly ever. (I’m thinking. I’ll let you know if I come up with anything that comes close.)

I can also tell you that I have a very limited amount of time to come up with the remaining pre-paid work that would allow me to go. And that my brain is so fried after today that I’m having trouble figuring out how to move forward, tight deadlines and all. So I’m going to list what I know, and you can tell me what you think.

* I am in fact happy to accept work in smaller chunks. I’m even happy to accept pledges of monthly installments (especially if I can do work for you when I get back in August), so let me know what you WANT to do and we’ll find a way to make it work. (I hit $8000 in the last few hours—that’s more than a third of what I need!) This may not have been clear from my original copy, for which I’m saying Der! and redrafting.

• I’m pretty sure I need a mailing list. Email me if you want to be on it—I’ll use it for quick updates on my situation and last-minute requests for advice or assistance. (I still love you a LOT even if you don’t want to be on this list.)
• Advice for Megans: I may send out a few emails to help me clear my head. If you feel like helping me clear my head, feel free to email me first. ;}

Growing is uncomfortable. I am uncomfortable! But how could I possibly trade this experience? Uncle Henry’s Empire State Building, the amazing cityscape view from my aunt’s apartment, half-second connections with happy people on sidewalks, friendly construction workers, brilliant vegan restaurants, that great crowd of sharp minds this morning, and then I walked out of Grand Central Station and it was snowing, all those buildings and the sky and the people and the vibration of this crazy fantastic place, what a thing someone built by coming here and deciding it should be something! What a great brilliant beast this city is.

Holy. Cow. Guys.

Time to regroup, and get my brain back. Here goes…

I’ve been thinking a lot about this.

I don’t like “fund raising”. I don’t like asking for something without giving something—or more—in return. (As you might have gathered.) I don’t like the obnoxious overtones it often takes on—even when obnoxious overtones are being specifically avoided!) and I don’t like what it does to people. It sometimes disconnects them, gives them guilt, and it’s hard to steer clear of those things even with the best of intentions. Maybe someday I’ll have perfected the formula, but that day is a long time coming.

The positive side of it is the part that trips me up. (It’s easy to stop doing something with no upside.) I’m pretty thoroughly certain that I can do great things for great people, if I can just find the people who want the opportunity. Second-guessing the urge to fund raise—and no, I haven’t thought of a better term for it, but please feel free to suggest—means not only closing a door for me, but closing windows for potentially dozens of other people. People who could use those windows.

It’s just that I’m not willing to go too far to find those people. I’m not willing to engage in tactics that would alienate half my audience and guilt the rest into putting a dollar in the pot. It’s just not worth the ugh feeling, all around.

This may mean that I’ll have to create another opportunity elsewhere and make this my big trip to New York, but I won’t budge on it. It’s too important. So the question is… what do I need to do to go as far as I can, responsibly, consciously? And maybe succeed?

That’s a damn good question.