It’s hard for me to grasp the concept of time off.

I don’t exactly know why. When the best damn creative productivity coach this side of the galaxy told me to think of a reward I could give myself for being on the ball, I couldn’t think of a thing. All I could think of was “stop working”, and I don’t think I even really meant it. I didn’t really want time off.

I just wanted to keep going.

A part of me is simply desperate to keep going.

I’ve convinced myself that I have to do this—that my life has to be this way until I have what I want. This is partly true, and partly not: You can bet your ass I’m going to keep plowing forward until I have things the way I want them, but that does not mean running myself into the ground. There are dozens of reasons, but the one I’ve pinned to my forehead is that it’s the least efficient, least effective way to get things done.

I won’t get what I want by destroying myself.

This is not the only reason I need to be reminded of, however. And in point of fact, hanging onto efficiency and effectiveness so hard might be worsening the problem. What about happiness? What about enjoying the journey? What about being proud of the process?

As Angel says (just take a look at the header), stop and smell the freaking flowers.

It’s shocking just how difficult it is for me to digest that. I will apply it to everyone but myself if you give me half a chance. I’ll tell you to give yourself a break, and I’ll go find something else that has to be done now.

I did take a break yesterday, by the way. A real one. My brain was completely shut off for hours. It was grand. When I came home and started talking about work, the impact of the stress coming back to me was absolutely horrifying. I’ve been living in that for how long? Weeks? Months? And I don’t remember the last time I noticed the difference, so it must be a very long time.

If I thought I was getting real downtime, I was wrong.

What do you think happens if I start taking real time off?

I bet I can tell you. I know because it’s the advice I give other people all the time. If you give yourself a rest, you rejuice. You function better. You get stronger. Your brain has time to process your experiences, reactions, confusions, organize them and give you back better solutions. Your response time improves. You feel lighter, happier, more on the ball. You heal better. You think more clearly. You make sharper, faster decisions. You laugh more.

Sounds kinda nice, doesn’t it?

Dude, I agree.

I have a confession to make.

I’m a (super) lazy reader.

I have always read very quickly and easily—reading is fun. Reading is a relaxing, soothing activity. It’s like trying to absorb information while sleeping; it’s effortless. This made especial sense when all I read was fiction growing up (sci-fi, fantasy, dragons, witches, magic horses, you got it) but it continued to be the case when I started to educate myself about people, sex, business and the universe. Reading was “work”, but it was still just as easy.

At a certain point my desire for information began to outstrip my reading speed. I tried not to crave information, but it’s so hard! Listen to me whine. I spent more of my time reading, but the books tended to pile up anyway. I stopped buying everything on my list. I started choosing material more carefully, researching reviews, picking up the ones I knew would be really perfect and letting the rest go. This was a great approach, but it has one flaw: What do I do when the really perfect books breed and multiply?

That’s exactly what happened. I couldn’t choose anymore. There were just too many! How much time was I really going to spend reading?

I decided to learn to read faster. I took a photoreading course (after coming across Steve Pavlina’s posts) and was very pleased! I’d never done any sort of speed reading and I loved how fast I could get through nonfiction, even long before having mastered any of the unconscious processing techniques. But there was one problem, and it’s the problem I’m working to solve now: I’m a lazy reader!

For all its awesomeness, photoreading takes effort. Maybe more accomplished photoreaders than I don’t notice the effort, but many of the photoreaders I’ve met came from hating to read. I came from loving to read, and the idea of taking a relaxing activity and turning it into homework is something I can’t help but balk at. Of course, I still read all my fiction the “usual” way—fiction is less suited to photoreading anyhow—but I’m finding it difficult to adjust and use photoreading as my automatic solution, every time. Part of my brain is a little offended that I’m taking this awesome, relaxing work and making it… work.

What the hell? my brain says, indignant. Who do you think you are?

I’ve been mulling this over for a few weeks, and I’ve thought of a few probable solutions. I still photoread quite well (if not perfectly), so all I need to iron out is my motivation.

I speculated recently about starting a super-fast readers club, so that anticipating conversation about many different books in short spans of time would give me a “reason” to read them fast and be ready to discuss. (I’m letting that percolate. Something might come of it. Right now, I’m taking advantage of the Alternative Alternative MBA, and that’s a great “reason”—though maybe we should have another discussion, sometime, about why I feel I need more of a “reason” than just wanting to read the damn book!)

I’m thinking about coming at new books from a direction Seth suggested a few months ago: Use information to do something, not just learn something. This is great because photoreading involves setting a purpose for yourself, information you’re looking for, questions you want to have answered and identifying the most useful parts of the book—and the next step, after finding what you want, is to use it to make something happen. Well, of course! If I start to associate reading with an active approach (instead of with relaxing and getting all the information I want without expending any effort), I may find that my motivation as regards reading changes a lot.

This is all just speculation so far, but you’ll know what it means when I start making posts about books and actions together in the same space, instead of just gushing about my recent reading crush. It’s time for this to happen. I have a hell of a lot of books to get through, but feel free to translate: I have a hell of a lot of change to make.

Images from Multicolr. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.

Today I’m taking it easy. I’m about halfway through my mandatory tasklist, but the most important things aren’t on the tasklist. Those accomplishments include Shiva Nata, and plenty of sitting outside on the porch… doing nothing.

Feels really good.

Or, the power of relaxation on tangled processes. Mmmm!

Later today I’ll do some gathering of information; I want to look up the information on relaxation and anti-obligation in the Carnegie book, the Northrup book, and also I believe there’s a tidbit or two in the books by Ricardo Semler. But I’m going to let that simmer for a little bit before I do it, and in the meantime take a look at the Turning Conflict Into Communication notes. And later, later later, there will probably be voice-related notes (but not posted here). You’ll have to be creative to find them. ;}

So far, it’s a good day!