Wednesday night at Body Choir I had some pretty fascinating trains of thought.

For instance, I tend to repeat a lot of the same motions with my hands, or turn in the same direction (mostly left) when I’m dancing. Furthermore, I often make the same motions with my hands while turning in the same direction—something in my brain is predisposed towards that combination, for some very interesting but unknown reasons.

I wonder if anyone’s ever done a study on free form dance patterns—especially of people without any organized dance experience—and the relation of certain movements to certain ways of thinking, predispositions, personalities?

What do my dance patterns say about me?

Shiva Nata greatly affects the brain’s ability to build new pathways, make new connections. Obviously movement has to do with mental process. Even better—what if I work to change my dance patterns, become a “better dancer”? The better I am at my Shiva Nata practice, the better I am able to think. If I change the patterns of my free form dance, do I also change my way of thinking? My predispositions? My personality?

If I make a point of turning to the right (instead of the left) or of dancing in a clompy tribal fashion instead of a flowy belly-dancer fashion, what happens to my brain when I do it? Sure, I get better at dance—that’s about my brain. But what happens to everything else my brain does, after that point?

Thoughts? Resources?

I guess this might sound crazy.

Marty and I are still scrambling to figure out how to pay December’s bills once it arrives. We don’t have anything set in stone yet—we don’t have any kind of safety net. Two huge projects are pretty much over, pending announcement, and I have more hanging on. And one or two of them are massively important, and will continue to require my full attention for… awhile. Some lengthy period of time. And there are going to be more.

I’ve been working… eighteen hour days. Yes. I’ve been working eighteen hour days. I get up at 5am and then I get to bed around 8:30 or 9. I work pretty much the whole day, though I take breaks for food (sometimes) and occasionally we put in a movie (though I never get very far into it before I’m back at my computer checking on something).

But I don’t think I’ve ever felt happier.

I just feel… Fulfilled. Valid. Real. Vital. Satisfied, and at the same time, still hungry. Not particularly stressed, not worn out—although there were certainly moments in the last three and a half weeks when I was pushing it. Mostly, I just feel good.

I’ve been practicing Shiva Nata every day, but not for quite as long as I’d like. My practice sessions have been getting longer, though, and that makes me happy (and anxious to find out what it will be like when I can do even more). Marty’s been doing push ups. Lots of push ups. We’ve been eating almost all fruit & vegetables because we found out that, even organic, they’re cheaper than what we used to have on our grocery bill. Way cheaper. We’ve had a learning curve for keeping produce in the fridge and making it last long enough to eat (instead of be forgotten about, and then thrown away). But it’s a neat learning curve.

We go out to eat once in a blue moon. We’re functional hermits, and we haven’t seen most of our friends in weeks (at least). We’re working harder than we’ve ever worked in our lives. It’s not that we don’t love our friends and want to spend time with them. It’s just that this is important, and feels… significant. In a way I can’t describe. This is what we are supposed to be doing, right now.

I know it sounds like I’m a good candidate for the nuthouse, but this is the best my life has felt so far. And it feels like it’s going to get better.

Today Marty and I talked about money, and how it’s scary to be pushing this thing when a “sane” person would have given up two weeks ago. I said, Anyone else would have stopped trying already. But if we’re brave and keep going, even when it’s scary, we’ll make it. Just because people don’t try doesn’t mean the prize isn’t there. It just means fewer people get to it.

And somehow I have no doubt in my mind that we’ll get there. I don’t know when I became this person. I don’t know when I became clear about the future of me. I don’t know when I started having this much faith in myself, and in those around me, and in the universe that turns on my axis.

I don’t know when it happened, but my god, it feels great.

I visited my parents in Youngstown at the beginning of October, and practiced Shiva Nata every day on the huge porch surrounded by gorgeous living trees and bugs and birds and cool, crisp air. There was a huge rainstorm the first few days, and it was amazing to practice on the porch with rain falling all around me. I didn’t use the DVD while I was there, but I made so much progress and got so much peace of mind.

I played with the dogs outside while Dad did his daily walk, and Otto—who last visit had a boot—now had a bucket. A really mangled, chewed-on bucket. It was a freaking riot. “Otto and his boot,” Marty says. “Otto and his myriad things that he has. Otto and his bucket. Otto and his mail-order bride.” Yes. Any day now.

I got a great raw “cook”-book (Raw Food Made Easy For 1 or 2 People) and made awesome raw recipes for my family most of the time I was there. Guacamole and romaine wraps and chard salad and raw chocolate cake and fresh vegetable lasagne, crazy! It was so delicious. Mom gave me a Christmas present—a great looking book on food that I had to leave there for now because it wouldn’t fit in my bag to come home!

I launched the fabulous blog of Pace and Kyeli. It was really exciting! (The Usual Error Project has launched, too. I talked about it all in my project blog!)

I sang a great program for the Niles Gymanfa Ganu Association and hugely enjoyed seeing my friendly Welsh people again! The sun attacked my eyes, but I adjusted and all was well. (Geraint Wilkes was fabulous as ever, and the Shenango Valley Chorale sang fantastically!)

I successfully managed to videochat with Marty using iChat (we haven’t tried since he bought his new laptop!), but not until the last day of my trip. (Silly!) I had a revelation about parents and mindful purpose. I decided that I don’t want to fly anymore if I can avoid it (though I’m sure there will be exceptions).

And then I came home to my comfy red chair.

I read The Story of B, and I’m obsessed with spirals.

If you’ve read it, you might know why. It’s just a little thing, but so big! And spirals are important for many reasons. But before I even started to speculate on those reasons, I was feeling drawn to spirals everywhere. Automatically. Without thought. The perfect solution.

So I bought pendants at AnimeFest from the booth we shared with a jewelry vendor—all spirals, on silver chains. Single spirals, triple spirals, all different stylings. Once home, I dug out the silver flasks I’d picked up in Dublin, with (serendipitously) the same design.

I discovered Havi Brooks and then Shiva Nata—and ordered the DVD for daily practice. It isn’t even here yet, and I’m already learning spirals (because Havi’s starter kit is just that awesome.) I can do the first set forward easily, so I’m practicing backward. It’s much harder, but that’s okay. Challenge is the name of the game, not mastery, and oh, that is so good for me right now.

In a dream I drove backwards down a spiraling hill road. (I hit another car. It was white. I wasn’t watching. Oops.) And later, I wanted the answer to an important question, but all I got, disconnected, out of nowhere, was Shiva Nata. A dance based on energy flow increased by spirals. You should do that dance, Leif said, for all you’re worth. He’s right. I got the answer I was looking for.

Kyeli took me grocery shopping, and I bought Tinkyada rotini. (Or is it fusilli? I feel pretty fusilli tonight.) Now I’m eating them. They’re far more delicious than other Tinkyada shapes. Can a shape be delicious?

I posit yes.