“Don’t Deny” and Other Thoughts

by Megan M. on January 20, 2006 · View Comments (Blog) |

It’s a little bit strange (and then again, not a bit) the sorts of things that cause my minor revelations about the way the universe is put together. More than that (since the universe can be pretty obscure most of the time), the way people are put together. And I suppose it’s even more useful to me to know how to get them to understand what I’m saying, or vice versa. So little things like this feel really worth my time, and worth posting, even if they might cause a little dismay. (You’re a grownup, you can handle it. And if you’re not a grownup, well, this isn’t going to be so bad. Does your mom know you’re surfing the unfettered web? Am I the unfettered web?)

I’m going to hide some of this behind a link, because I know there will be folks who aren’t interested. But I’ll tell you this much. When I had my revelation, I was reading a cute little tutorial on cybersex etiquette.

Still reading? Okay, click on!

From Dante’s Guide to Cybersex Part I: Ground Rules…

6) Don’t deny your partner. This rule comes from the land of improv comedy more than BDSM and dominance. In fact, as they all apply to cybersex, go read all the basic rules to improv comedy—I’ll wait. “Don’t Deny” means simply that you should respect and treat as real whatever reality your partner has created. And also have the courtesy to remember the “rules.” Suppose she starts off by writing: I’m sitting on the bank of the pond, with my bare feet wading in the water, waiting for you to join me in the moonlight. Then at no point during the rest of this scene should you take off her socks, lie down on the four post bed, or watch the sunset together. Duh. In addition to following the scene, be sure to follow hints as well. e.g. If she’s “taking off her bra to free her plump, tender nipples,” then now isn’t the time to be squeezing her butt. Focus man, there’ll be time later.

This Item Six got me thinking about something a clever psychologist once told me about living in the other person’s reality, instead of forcing yours upon them. I think we are all only capable of living in our own realities—the ones we start out with, the ones we create for ourselves. To some extent, the ones we come to understand… but that’s a long process, something we can only do on our own. It’s not something someone can do for us, or try and make us do.

It doesn’t do a whole lot of good, when aiming for a specific target, to speak in terms of your reality. Sure, it can be interesting, but unless you’re having a discussion wherein each person happens to be particularly interested in the other’s reality, you’re much better off with a different method. Waiting, listening closely, and really finding out where the other person is living at the moment, then using that information to inform your words and actions, is much more likely to show the results you’re hoping for. None of us can help being where we are in our heads, but if we’re clever, we can use our knowledge of that functionality to get closer to our fellow human beings. It’s how people are helped, how people’s lives are changed. I think that’s worth something.

I don’t have to insist on my universe. We can cooperate. Hee!

  • wonderful electric
    My life has had to lately contend with the fact that my universe and reality is not anywhere near the same as most people's - and that people close to me can't even begin to comprehend where some parts of my reality come from. Which is annoying.

    Now if only Bloglines would pick up on your RSS feed!
  • pearlbeachlady
    very clever post Meg. I think you're completely right that we can only do what we can only do.

    It can be frustrating though if you don't realize that others aren't living in your own personal universe. It's hard for us as humans sometimes to realize that the universe doesn't revolve around us and our small (relatively) problems.
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