Today is February fifteenth: Exactly a month until March fifteenth, which I do not recall because of its super funtime day-late Idesiness, but because it is the day I have come to associate with moving to Austin. Big Drive Day.
I still don’t know what day we’ll leave. I don’t know that it will be the fifteenth. I’ve been saying mid-March, half March, Marchish. And what rings in my head is March fifteenth, March fifteenth, March fifteenth. We could pack up and go the fourteenth. We could leave early on the seventeenth and drive sixteen hours wide-awake straight, high on Monster, assuming we don’t fuck up directions and end up in a bayou. (Yeek! I’ve seen too many horror b-movies to think that’s a neat idea!)
Having a month to go (and, in my head, exactly a month) is at once incredible and painful. There’s too much to do before it runs out, and somehow not enough. So many plans have been made, I physically ache when I try to think how I am going to spend a whole month before I can get down to business. It does not feel like I am leaving people I love. It feels like I am leading them elsewhere. Yes, I’m such a hero.
Despite that ache, I know that the month will go all too quickly. It’ll be gone before I know it, and I won’t have done everything I meant to. I tell myself these things to calm, to chill. To slow the rush, because otherwise all I’ll remember is the rush. Flights back to Youngstown will be precious while I’m getting settled. I don’t know when the final dose of financial security will be dealt. I don’t know when I’ll get to fat savings account happy fairy land.
I know I’ll get there. I just don’t know when.
When it gets over with, I’ll be sad it’s done. Isn’t that funny? Wanting to go and wanting to stay? Taking Austin feels like the right course of action, wanting both. As if it somehow solves both problems. Both urges. When did all of this happen? Whose idea was it? And how the hell is it finally coming to pass, when it might have done oh-so-many other times?
Meh. The world is weird and wonderful.
It’s 11:08, and I’m going to bed.
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