My first speech at Toastmasters (I know, took me long enough!) is scheduled for Monday morning, bright and early. I’m serious when I say bright and early. The meeting itself starts at 6:45 am, which forces me to make good on my 5:15 am wake-up blabber. Nice to have the universe looking out for me. (I’m not sure that’s sarcasm. I rather like Toastmasters!)

I’ve noticed that I have a strange propensity to spout off about my personal terror without actually feeling a whole lot of personal terror. There is some mild anxiety—will I disappoint myself? Will I amaze myself?—but I’m not nearly as worried or afraid as you might expect when I say things like this: “Oh my god, I haven’t touched my speech yet. I’m teeerrrified.” If the words don’t convey it, my tone of voice will. And then people start to comfort and reassure me, and a voice in my head goes, “What? You’re not that scared. In fact, I think you’re making yourself that scared by telling yourself you’re that scared. Stop that!!”

The funny thing is, that voice is completely right. I’m really not that scared. Part of me can’t even grasp being that scared about something so little and silly (and exciting and interesting and growth-inducing—and FUN!). And I think I may understand what’s going on. I’m terrified… out of habit.

I have a funny propensity to minimize myself. To ensmallenate myself. I have this funny idea (way back in the brainwashed, badly malprogrammed part of my brain) that it’s safer, better, and more loveable to be small, weak, and afraid.

Yeah, I know.

So apparently that part of my brain—the unembigginated part—aligns very happily with the idea of being terrified, just shakin’ in my boots, at the thought of speaking in front of people.

Okay, ensmallebrain. Let’s sit down for a minute and talk.

I am super grateful for your kind intentions. I know you are just doing what you think is best. I know you’re only trying to help me! I know that you’ve noticed how easy it is to get people to behave in loving, comforting, downright parental ways if I’m small, weak, and afraid. I can totally appreciate that and I even understand it. But you need to know—just for the purposes of being informed—that I don’t need to be ensmallenated in order to have people love me. I know, I know, I totally know: I used to be under that impression, and I gave you that crazy idea in the first place so of course it’s NO WONDER! that you have made the decisions you have over the last twenty-seven and a half years. But I have more clarity now, and I know a lot better what makes people love me. And it would make me really happy—insanely, marvelously happy—if from now on you could base your decisions on this new information. That people love me just because I’m me, and I’m strong, and brilliant, and unique, and clever. I would like that super much.

No, no—DUDE! We are totally cool. It’s just that one thing.

Yes. Thank you for being SO understanding!

(See? No freakin’ problem!)

Something pretty awesome happened this last week, and I have been spurred by that awesome thing to move some Virtual Magpie posts over here, to make worldmegan.net my primary writing outlet. I came across a post I made over there—Seeing Again—and I realized that I didn’t want to just duplicate it here. I needed to talk about it.

At a 9-to-5 I will never be the person I am when I do what I love, whatever that is. At this job, at Virtual Magpie, I will never be the person I am when I do what I love, if I’m not doing what I love for the sake of loving it. If Virtual Magpie becomes my trap, my only way to pay the bills, it’s no better than working at the radio station or the magazine. It’s the same grind and I’m no longer the best me.

I was on the right track then. I wouldn’t be in this state of mind, right now, if it weren’t for that first corner I turned more than a year ago. But the more that I was looking for then is something I feel I have a tentative grasp on now: We’re not talking about Virtual Magpie. We’re not talking about the work I do. We’re talking about MY LIFE.

And the best me will still pay the bills, all the while knowing that the bills aren’t the point. The bills stop mattering, because living my life is what matters, not complaining about it. Not finding new ways to be miserable!

So I’m working on it now—my life, I mean. And my projects will still be a huge part of that. But everything’s about to change, just a little, and it’s going to feel ssoooooo good.

No matter what they tell you, it’s not about paying the bills. It’s not about having a job. You will hear it from everyone but it’s not true. You are the best you when you’re doing what you love, because you love it. You are the best you when you’re learning and growing and making and building. You’re the best you when you love life and move forward. That’s the point.

I recently made a post in Pavlina’s Personal Development forums because some people were asking about the PhotoReading seminars that Learning Strategies offers, and it just so happened that I attended one last weekend. Of course, y’all knew that, but I mostly talked about my hypnagogic hordes of bugs. Oops.

This particular seminar happened in Dallas (in Addison, which is just north of the city) and was instructed by Millicent St. Claire. I link to her site because she’s fantastic to work with, but I’ll tell you right now that her site doesn’t manage to put across just how awesome she is. It’s a great site, but she is very real and effective in person. She’s also incredibly warm and vibrant, engaging, and excellent at what she does.

The seminar was split into three sessions: Roughly 6p-9p Friday evening, 9a-7p Saturday, and 9a-6p Sunday. I was thankful for Friday’s brevity after my long drive from Austin (I got on the wrong branch of 35 North, so I was on the road about four and a half hours), but Saturday and Sunday I arrived in class super early to play with biofeedback games and talk to people and relax. The classroom was a great environment for anybody wanting to learn something. It was wholly non-traditional, intensely creative, and very focused on accelerated learning right down to the details. There were poignant quotes on the walls, beautiful posters, 3-D stereograms for photofocus practice, cups of rainbow-colored markers, fresh white paper, and scads of brain toys on the tables. (Man, we had a ball playing with those toys.) It was like the best kindergarten ever.

There were rules, too: No stress. Ever. And all that was asked of us was that we open our minds and Do The Thing—skepticism was welcome and invited, so we all felt very free to ask questions and make suggestions. There were even note boards for those of us who were too shy to ask something outright, and Millicent made a regular point of getting to those boards and getting questions answered for the whole group.

There were 38 people in the class. Two of them were younger than me (both pre-college, one several years younger than that) and most of them were older professionals—30’s, 40’s, 50’s, and one at least one septuagenarian with entertaining anecdotes and a great sense of humor. They were all very warm, open-hearted people with an interest in this thing that felt important to me, this thing I wanted to learn well, and that endeared them to me. By the end of the weekend we’d pooled our contact information so that it would be easy to create a post-seminar support structure in the name of helping each other and talking about our PhotoReading exploits. Millicent was very excited and encouraging on this score, and I think that made us even more hellbent on making it happen. I was constantly impressed at how on the ball she was in regards to creative, mindful learning all the way down to the bits and pieces; she a consistent motivator in all the ways that mattered.

Millicent used a whole slew of super-interesting techniques to help us learn. These were widely varied and ranged from neuro-linguistic programming to Brain Gym exercises to visualization and interpersonal conversations (and writing poetry!). These made a huge difference for me, and I made a point of writing many of them down so that I can look into them more in the future. (I will probably be blogging about some of them!)

Many of the techniques we used were not specific to the PhotoReading course itself. I bought the home study course quite awhile ago, so I was particularly curious about how much would be different in the seminar. The answer? Everything but the basics! We did a lot from the course, and all the important things were included, but we learned them in a huge variety of creative ways. A lot of these I had heard of before, a lot of them were new to me—and a lot of them were bits and pieces from other Learning Strategies materials used specifically for learning to PhotoRead. I loved this, because it let me see first-hand how I felt about methods and workshops that I’d been curious about but not ready to test on my pocketbook. (This resulted in me picking up other Learning Strategies offerings while I was there, since I liked some of the techniques so much and had a feel for their benefits—and there were special weekend discounts available to the seminar participants. That was awesome, since I likely would have bought those things anyway.)

I also loved having the opportunity to hear from seminar participants who’d done the seminar before, once and twice in some cases. Some people had incredible personal stories to tell about how PhotoReading has affected their lives and work, and some of those stories were amazing—just knocked me out of my seat. Some of those people were back to brush up on their technique, but after experiencing the weekend for myself I’m pretty sure I’d go again even if I felt completely solid. It only costs $80 to attend and audit after you’ve completed the first seminar, which of course is an excellent marketing strategy, because it makes me want to register again with other interested parties. I’m seriously, seriously thinking about it; it would be a fantastic thing to do with friends or family.

The seminar weekend in its entirety was unbelievably relaxing and empowering for me. I drove home from Dallas feeling really refreshed, proud, confident. There was so much positivity, so much creative productivity, so many reminders to me (and to all the participants) that we are powerful, unique, amazing. I spent a total of $550 to register (a discount because I had the home study course, and a discount because I purchased the registration in July), but if I had paid the full price of $750 I would still feel that it was the best money I’ve spent in a very, very long time. It was absolutely astonishing.

Ultimately I left feeling a) damn accomplished for a beginning PhotoReader! b) completely relaxed and excited to go back to work, like I’d taken a great vacation! c) thrilled with all the neat people I’d met and could keep in touch with, and d) incredibly, overwhelmingly positive about myself and my ability to deal with the world. That last one feels really good.

There’s no way I’ve covered it all in this post, because the weekend was packed full of fascinating experiences and new information. But if you want to ask me questions, please feel free. I love talking about it.

Oh, I get it. I know you.

Yes, I recognize you—I know exactly what you are. You’re that feeling I get when I’ve realized that I can do something—anything—worth doing. Something that affects the world, something that makes it better. Something that makes me stronger.

You’re the feeling that tells me I’m real, relevant and significant here; the feeling that I can make a difference, build something incredible, be noted and remarked on.

You’re the sudden, intense feeling that I am powerful.

You show up a lot these days.

Wanna get coffee?

I just discovered something absolutely fantastic. I was sending a client setup instructions for a new email account, and lo and behold, found that Gmail will download as well as send mail from outside accounts. This is a real treat, because I typically distrust most webmail solutions. Gmail is what I recommend to clients bewildered by domain email setup, and this is the best of both worlds. I’m even considering sending all my mail through my Gmail account, which has (by far) the best spam filtering I’ve come across. On top of that, I’m pretty sure that Gmail has the best Highrise intregration available (which suits me, since I’m such a power user). When did this happen? How fabulous!

A few more great side-effects a setup like this might have: All my mail in one place, a webmail solution that doesn’t fritz out and piss me off. Great spam filtering, great intuitive controls, and I don’t have to give up my mail client use when I’m in the office. Plenty of space, swell archiving. Man! Not bad!

And some risks I think I’m willing to take: Scroogled gets just a little creepier. Only one account to compromise and I’m screwed; plus if Gmail goes down, I’m back to basics. Time to change my Gmail password to something absurdly cryptic! If this sounds acceptable to you, read on…

Your settings may vary slightly depending on your server setup—but here’s the run-down I gave my client, so that you can do the same if you so desire.

To Download Outside Email to Your Gmail Account:

1. Go to Settings > Accounts > Get mail from other accounts.
2. Add another mail account.
3. Fill in the information like this:

Address: youremail@yourdomain.com
Username: youremail@yourdomain.com
Password: yourpassword
Server: mail.yourdomain.com Port: 110
(+) Leave a copy of retrieved message on the server.
(-) Always use a secure connection (SSL)...
(+) Label incoming messages…
(-) Archive incoming messages (Skip the inbox)

To Send From An Outside Email Address Using Gmail:

1. Go to Settings > Accounts > Send Mail As > Add another.
2. Type in youremail@yourdomain.com, hit Next Step.
3. Hit Send Verification.
4. Receive the verification email (in Gmail); hit the verification link.

If you like, you can go back into Accounts and make it your default send address. And you’re good to go! I’m going to go fiddle a bit and report back with my results. Doesn’t it just give you shivers? Now Google can collect information and serve you ads based on all your email! Exciting! ;}

Why yes—I am posting to shamelessly promote Crow’s workshop on Sunday! No no, don’t second-guess yourself. You’ve got it right on the button. ;}

Before I went camping this weekend, I was having the worst allergy attack of my whole life. In absolute desperation I emailed Crow Mitchell, who I knew previously through Marty’s gaming group, because she had mentioned something about Psych-K, which is a method of communication with the subconscious for the purpose of reprogramming a belief system. It has ostensibly been applied to many ends, including allergies (among other things), and Crow is someone I trust — so it was worth looking into.

Crow’s explanations and my own research revealed a solution that seemed to run along the same lines as psycho-cybernetics, which I adore, and the world views of people I respect, like Steve Pavlina and Wayne Dyer. I had recently picked up a book by Bruce Lipton, too, and that didn’t hurt! I did not research Psych-K exhaustively, but I did schedule a session with Crow last Wednesday afternoon. It was super interesting. Although neither of us expected all problems to be solved in one session, I don’t think I expected as nice a result as we got. As with any work involving the subconscious, or unconscious, or other-than-conscious, Psych-K seems to be a continuing process. Before we can alter a belief system and achieve the desired result, we have to know what’s really going on. And sometimes figuring that out is a challenge!

To make a long story slightly shorter, we did affect my allergies. The session lasted about an hour if I remember correctly, and we did a lot of muscle testing to determine our best course of action. Most of you are aware that I am super allergic to cats. Er, at least, I was. Now I’m not so sure, because after Wednesday’s Psych-K session, I sat on the floor and snuggled kitties! I petted and played with them, and snuggled my face into their fur. Yes. Yes, I really did. And for the first time that I can remember, it wasn’t about my allergies — it was only about whether I could keep from choking myself on flying cat fur. Ha! I didn’t sneeze, or experience explosive itching, or end up blowing my nose every five minutes. I felt… absolutely fine.

For me, it doesn’t matter whether we dispensed with a real cat allergy, or just a mental conviction that I was allergic to cats: If the result is one where I spend an afternoon covered in cat hair and don’t run home crying and miserable, it’s a great result. And the fact that I went to her with seasonal allergies but ended up fixing an animal allergy — temporarily or permanently — doesn’t bother me, because it’s clear that something really fascinating is going on with this Psych-K stuff. Incidentally, the awful seasonal allergy symptoms I was having did go away, almost entirely, for most of the weekend. Friends who are experiencing the same symptoms didn’t have them let up the way I did, which makes me really wonder. (I felt a little bit guilty listening to people blowing their noses and sniffling through the day when I felt mostly awesome. Oopsies.) We’re planning another session soon, and considering the subject material we covered last week, I can easily see not only how we ended up helping my cat allergy but how we might concentrate in a better direction and affect my seasonal allergies better this time around. It’s so interesting to have people around who work in these ways! And hell if I’m going to pump myself full of drugs for three weeks every summer. You know? That’s crazy.

I don’t know whether the cat allergy solution will stick or need to be reinforced. I don’t know what will happen next. But I never, never expected such an interesting experience, and such a promising set of results. This is an experiment I want to continue! It’s such a new area of interest for me, and I plan to do more exploring. I do feel the need to put in a plug for Crow, however, as brilliant as she’s been. You have never met a person so connected, complete and understanding as this woman can be. She works in Psych-K, energy healing, life coaching, sacred geometry, and we’ve started referring to her as a raw food alchemist. You would not believe the awesome food she fed me this weekend, either. She makes a mean raw cacao-avocado dip, I’ll tell you. Here’s her link and some more information. And her cell number is 512-626-7700, because I believe in her strongly enough to engage in some shameless promotion — and because she’s incredibly useful to have around. She’s just good people, man. It doesn’t get any better than that.

Thank you for reading about my experiment! I’m going to go finish off the chocolate dip… yum…

I love that it’s only 5:45 am, and I have the whole day stretching in front of me. It’s huge! Days have so much time in them!

The time between 5:15 am and noon feels like an entire day. When I run and shower and meditate around lunch time, it feels almost like sleeping, I am reset somehow—and then noon until the time I actually go to bed in the evening feels like another day. I have so much time now! It feels so brilliant and wonderful! I don’t know what I will decide at the end of the sleep scheduling trial I’m doing (as you might have guessed, I have not always had my alarm set for 5:15!), but at this moment I am so grateful to the universe that I made the decision to try it. It feels so fantastically good!

I adore this post in Tim Ferriss’ blog:

What Happens When an Agnostic Follows the Bible Literally for One Year?

I encountered the story about AJ Jacobs a few times over the last few weeks (this is the same guy who wrote the radical honesty piece for Esquire) but hadn’t had a chance to really look at it. In this entry, Tim does an interview and the result is a really nice summary of what’s going on, and what everyone thinks about it. If you have any interest in religion, you should definitely take a look at this! There are definitely negative and positive aspects of the experiment, and I think I know people who will be particularly surprised by one or the other. Definitely take a look if you have a moment. Awesome.